Victor Mong
The ability to evaluate someone’s character is crucial to successful interpersonal relationships.
The reason is simple: People don’t tell you who they are. They show you, in subtle ways, through their habits and behaviors. And you’ve got to be attentive to notice.
I’m meticulous about the people I welcome into my life. Because of this, knowing how to gauge someone’s character is a skill that I built over time, and it’s helped me avoid getting caught in the wrong web.
While people sometimes have off days in terms of how they actually behave, knowing a few patterns can help you spot who a person really is within a short time.
Here are nine real clues that can be a goldmine of information about someone’s character.
Who Their Closest Friends Look Like
What a person’s closest friends look like reveals their character.
I often tell myself that I don’t attract certain people as friends. It’s not because I think of myself as a better person.
It’s just that I consider them to be the opposite of who I am or the image I want to be associated with.
A well-known aphorism says that birds of the same feather flock together. It’s true.
We attract those who share similar interests, values, desires, and personalities with us.
Researchers at the University of Helsinki wanted to understand how someone’s personality relates to the characters of their closest friends.
They used data from a survey of 12,000 people who were asked about their personalities and their three closest friends.
The researchers found that by studying someone’s friends, we know that they and their friends share some characteristics in common.
You can gauge someone’s character by looking at the friends they keep. Look at who they go out with or do business with.
If you scratch the surface, they’ll most likely do the same thing their friends do. Habits are contagious.
Let’s face it: What do you do if you don’t approve of the behaviors of your close friends? You leave!
You’re asking to be tarred with the same brush if people keep seeing you with them. It’s simple.
How They React to Rejections
Humans have evolved to care a lot about what others think of them and whether they feel accepted or rejected by other people.
In ancient times, our ancestors’ survival and success depended on being accepted.
Today, when people feel rejected or fear being rejected, it triggers strong emotions, which cause them to behave in strange ways.
How someone responds when they get a rejection, receive a “no,” or experience failure reveals a lot about their values, emotional maturity, and resilience.
Do they become defensive, lash out, or hold grudges? Do they show understanding and respect for the other person’s decision?
How does their energy toward you change when you don’t give them what they want?
Someone who is determined and resilient won’t become angry or hold grudges. Instead, they’ll see it as an opportunity to improve or do better.
But a person with an overinflated sense of entitlement will take “no” poorly, even if nobody owes them anything.
Notice carefully how a person acts or responds when you don’t give them what they asked for, you’ll decode the kind of person they are.
Related
Their Willingness to Help Others in Need
If you want to know a person’s true character, observe how they treat those in need, especially when they receive nothing in return.
People’s willingness to engage in prosocial behaviors can provide insights into their moral compass, empathy, and compassion.
Researchers wanted to understand how different characters reflect people’s helpful behaviors.
They conducted experiments where students listened to stories or imagined situations.
In one story, students were asked if they’d help a fellow college student take care of her siblings after losing her parents.
In another situation, they imagined encountering someone in need while running late for a friend’s speech.
The researchers then looked at how the students felt (prosocial emotions) and how they responded in these situations.
In simple terms, they found that character affects how likely people are to help others.
Some people can’t genuinely give help if there’s nothing to gain. You know “friends” who only call or visit when they want something from you. Don’t you?
But if someone is always willing to lend a helping hand to those who are less fortunate or in difficult situations, it reflects their genuine concern for others’ well-being.
Acts of kindness without any hidden agenda show a deep sense of empathy and compassion.
So, how a person treats those in need, particularly when they stand to gain nothing, gives you a glimpse into their character.
How They Respond to Other People’s Success
People can respond to the success of others by being genuinely happy, envious, or indifferent.
When you share the good news of your success, observe people’s facial expressions and subtle body language. They tell you a lot about their character.
Do they respond with a dismissive shrug? Are they genuinely happy? Do they try to find faults or talk down on your achievements?
For example, let’s say you shared the news about your admission into a doctoral program.
Shelly Gable, a professor of psychology at the University of California, has identified four ways people respond to others’ good fortune:
- Active-constructive: They’re instantly ecstatic, enthusiastic, and supportive. The person might say, “That’s great news! I’m so happy for you. Can I help you prepare?”
- Passive-constructive: Where someone seems optimistic but their response is muted and with no inquiry. They say, “That’s nice,” with no real interest or enthusiasm.
- Active-destructive: The person belittles it and looks for something negative to point out. They might say, “Seriously? Is it a Ph.D. with a shrinking labor market? It’s a bad idea for me.”
- Passive-destructive: This person barely acknowledges the news and moves on to other topics. A typical response might be, “I see. Anyway, guess who called yesterday?”
Someone genuinely happy about your success won’t be finding faults or talking down on your achievements. Their unconscious cues will align with their words.
They’ll feel very secure to rejoice with you, knowing that your progress doesn’t diminish them.
But someone envious and bitter will make negative remarks or might not even acknowledge your success in the first place.
They’ll feel insecure about your success and might try to bring you down to make themselves feel better.
Know how people respond to your news of success so that you can know where to place them in your life.
How They Treat People Who Rank Lower
How someone treats those who are below them in status and authority can reveal a great deal about their character.
It also says a lot about how they handle success.
Some people become bossy, domineering, and arrogant when they see themselves in privileged positions. They treat others with disrespect.
Everyone deserves to be treated with dignity, fairness, and respect, whether they’re the CEO of a Fortune 500 company or a waitress at a 7-person restaurant, a roadside fruit seller, or a janitor.
People with high self-worth and empathy treat others right, even if they’re in a higher position. It shows their high level of moral character.
Mahatma Gandhi once stated:
“The true measure of any society can be found in how it treats its most vulnerable members.”
In the same way, the true measure of any man is found in how he treats those who are lower in possessions and authority.
Such people remain humble no matter their successes. They give listening ears, offer assistance, show respect, and genuinely care about others.
But some who lack empathy and kindness will treat those below them with little or no respect. They will talk down and will very nearly trample on them. It’s not an accident; it’s a character flaw.
How They Dominate Conversations
One of the ways to gauge a person’s character is through their actions during social interactions.
Are they always seeking to become the center of attention? Are they talking more than they listen? Do they interrupt others?
These behaviors often demonstrate self-centeredness, lack of awareness, and inconsideration.
In a social setting, someone can talk with others, listen, or avoid others.
The ability to listen actively to others is valuable. It correlates strongly with high self-awareness, a key indicator of character.
If a person has a high talk-to-listen ratio, they’re self-centered and care more about their own needs.
Their appreciativeness
Gratitude is a character trait.
It’s the quality of being thankful, appreciative, and recognizing the goodness in your life, as well as acknowledging the efforts and kindness of others toward you.
Positive and highly self-aware people are grateful for the big and small things in their lives. They see the glass as “half full.”
They show humility and empathy, and they recognize that things could have been much worse. As a result, they often have less stress and enjoy higher life satisfaction.
How They Navigate Their Commitments
Commitments are hard.
That’s why most people fail to keep them.
When someone makes a promise or pledges to do something, they put their character on the line.
They risk their integrity, respect for others, trustworthiness, reliability, accountability, and dedication.
Plans can indeed change, or unexpected events can happen to put a clog in the wheel.
But someone who keeps their word or honors their commitments will find a way to follow through. That shows character!
If someone consistently reneges on their promise, says one thing and does another thing, and doesn’t honor their commitments, you have no reason to trust them.
Whether in personal or professional relationships, they lack discipline, respect for other people’s time, and accountability
Watch how someone handles their commitments; it’s a goldmine of character information.
How They Handle Their Mistakes vs Others’ Mistakes
There are two sides to mistakes: you’re either the one who made them or they’re someone else’s.
But the idea is the same: what’s the response and the underlying implications that response reveals about a person’s character?
People generally respond in two ways: acceptance or denial.
However, research shows that how we react to mistakes varies depending on whether we are personally involved or observing someone else’s error.
We often blame our mistakes on external forces but attribute other people’s errors to internal factors, such as incompetence.
When someone makes a mistake, admits it, takes responsibility, apologizes, and seeks to make things right, that’s acceptance.
People who accept their mistakes have characteristics of humility, integrity, and willingness to learn.
But some people deny their own mistakes, downplay the impact of the error, make excuses, blame others, and refuse to apologize or take responsibility.
In either case, watch closely how people, including you, act when they make a mistake. It’s often a strong marker of character.
Final Thought
Being more discerning about a person’s behavior patterns can be critical to understanding their character.
And knowing who someone is—correctly gauging their character—helps you build the right relationships and surround yourself with people who make your life better, not worse.
If you found this essay helpful, let me hear your comment.
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