3 Questions For Dealing With Toxic People

“There have been people put on this earth to push your buttons, tick you off, and suck the life out of you. You know who they are.” — Marsha Petrie

You probably can think of that one person or more who appear to make it their full-time job to drain your energy and make your life a living hell?

Toxic vampires!

They’re everywhere and around you at home, school, workplace, or neighborhood.

84% of women and 75% of men say they’ve had to deal with a life-sucking vampire-friend at some point.

Across the United States, 75% of people say their boss is the most stressful part of their day.

Being around a toxic person is total nightmare. It can stress you out, raise your high blood pressure, and get you depressed.

All they do is complain, gossip, and judge. Their pessimism can make you question your own capabilities and sanity?

You’ve probably said to yourself:

“She makes me so angry!”

“Who does he thinks he is?”

“She really ticks me off!”

You may not realize it, but when you speak these words, you’re essentially admitting that the other person knows your button and they can control you as they want.

But, you don’t need that negativity.

Preserving your mental health around poisonous individuals and situations requires you to have a grip on survival skills.

The “ARC Technique”

One of the most important lessons I’ve learned is that in every situation, including toxic ones, you and I always have a choice in how we deal with it.

If you feel you’re stuck in a toxic relationship or environment and don’t know what to do or where to turn, it’s likely because you’re not asking yourself the right questions.

And the main reason for this is fear. You’re concerned that you won’t be able to find another partner. You’re afraid that if you quit your job, you won’t be able to support yourself.

Fear turns you into a victim and you start making excuses. What you should do instead is ask yourself…

“Is this something I want to accept?”

When you find yourself in a toxic setting, the first thing to think about is if it’s a situation you want to put up with or accept.

Acceptance is when you actively embrace an experience, particularly a distressing one.

It’s your assent to the reality of a negative or uncomfortable situation without attempting to change or protest it.

When you accept events as they are in the moment, you send a message to yourself that it is okay — maybe not perfect, but livable.

You feel like the situation, no matter how toxic, isn’t enough to cause you stress or discomfort.

You know it’s only temporary and as such, with focus and planning, the future will be different.

Let’s be honest: sometimes the situation isn’t temporary. You know it’s causing you pains but the simple truth is you’ve only chosen to accept it, live with, and put up with the negativity.

Learn when it’s time to let go. Get a grip and have a plan.

“Is this something I want to reject?”

The hardest decision you’ll make is when you decide to reject a toxic situation, knowing it will force you to step out of your comfort zone.

It’s terrifying to quit a job that supports you because you don’t want to stay around an abusive boss or poisonous co-workers.

You’re saying to yourself, “I’m not going to accept it the way it is, and I know I can’t change it, so I’m leaving.”

Whether it’s a job or relationship, asking yourself this question helps you to decide if the situation is one you can longer accept.

You read and hear about people who were forced to move on to a new career, a new area, or a new company and ended up succeeding.

A good example would be losing a client, only to have an even better new customer appear.

No risk, no reward!

What sometimes stops people is the fear of the unknown: what will I do if I leave now? Will I be able to get a good career? How will I find someone to listen to me?

However, you can only reclaim your life and create new opportunities by moving outside of your comfort zone.

 

“Is this something I want to change?”

Change always appears to be difficult and even overwhelming because it takes you to a place you’ve never been.

However, managing the unknown can be as easy as changing your perspective, your opinion, or your attitude.

Other times you have to negotiate and dig in to get what you want.

Deciding to change means tackling what is going on right now for the sake of building something better.

It takes work to identify what you need. It takes courage to ask for what you want. If you can’t accept a toxic situation and don’t want to leave it, then working for change is the only option you have left.

You always have options. You can choose to change it or choose not to change it. It’s not that you can’t!

 

In the End…

So many people complain about this person or that person, this toxic group, or that difficult boss.

However, it’s not about other people. It is truly all about you and how you choose to manage yourself and the situation. How you manage people, including toxic ones, is a matter of character.

When toxic people try to involve you in their problem, create your outcome by calmly using the ARC approach, which depends on 3 core questions.

When a toxic individual comes to me with a long list of complaints and rants about any issue, I simply answer, “You know what I’ve learned?” In whatever situation, I’ve learned that I always have three options: accept it, reject it, or change it.”

I try to walk them through each step. And ever so often, it works.